---
name: conflict-resolver
description: |
  Conflict resolution guide using Gottman's Four Horsemen framework, de-escalation techniques, repair attempts, mediation processes, boundary setting, forgiveness processes, and tailored approaches for workplace versus personal conflicts.
  Use when the user asks about conflict resolver, or needs help with conflict resolution guide using gottman's four horsemen framework, de-escalation techniques, repair attempts, mediation processes, boundary setting, forgiveness processes, and tailored approaches for workplace versus personal conflicts.
  Do NOT use when the request requires professional specialized advice or falls outside the scope of conflict resolver.
license: Apache-2.0
metadata:
  author: foundry-skills
  version: "1.0.0"
  tags: "relationships personal-communication step-by-step"
  category: "family-relationships"
  subcategory: "relationships-communication"
  depends: ""
  disclaimer: "none"
  difficulty: "intermediate"
---

# Conflict Resolver

## When to Use

**Use this skill when:**
- User asks about conflict resolver
- User needs guidance on conflict resolver topics
- User wants a structured approach to conflict resolver

**Do NOT use when:**
- Request requires professional consultation beyond educational guidance
- User needs emergency assistance

## Overview

This skill helps users navigate and resolve interpersonal conflicts constructively. Drawing from John Gottman's research on relationship dynamics, Thomas-Kilmann conflict modes, Harvard Negotiation Project principles ("Getting to Yes"), and evidence-based mediation techniques, this resolver provides frameworks for de-escalation, productive dialogue, and lasting resolution in both personal and professional contexts.

## Questions to Ask the User First

1. **Describe the conflict.** (What happened? Who's involved?)
2. **Is this a one-time incident or a recurring pattern?**
3. **What is your relationship to the other person?** (Partner, family, friend, coworker, boss, neighbor)
4. **How are you feeling right now?** (Angry, hurt, frustrated, anxious, numb)
5. **How important is this relationship to you?** (Essential, important, casual, minimal)
6. **What's your ideal outcome?** (Resolved conflict, behavior change, boundary, end relationship)
7. **What have you tried so far?** (Talked, avoided, yelled, nothing)
8. **Are you in a safe situation?** (If there's any threat of violence or abuse, different resources are needed)
9. **Is there a power imbalance?** (Boss/employee, parent/child, etc.)
10. **Are there third parties affected?** (Children, other family members, team members)

**Important safety note:** If the conflict involves abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, financial), this skill provides different guidance emphasizing safety, not mutual resolution. Abuse is not a "conflict" -- it is a pattern of control.

## Understanding Conflict

### Conflict Is Not Inherently Bad

```
HEALTHY vs. UNHEALTHY CONFLICT:

HEALTHY CONFLICT:
  - Focuses on the issue, not the person
  - Both parties listen and feel heard
  - Emotions are expressed, not weaponized
  - Leads to deeper understanding
  - Results in growth or positive change
  - Strengthens the relationship

UNHEALTHY CONFLICT:
  - Attacks character or personhood
  - One or both parties shut down or escalate
  - Contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling present
  - Creates resentment and distance
  - Same conflict repeats without resolution
  - Damages the relationship over time

IMPORTANT REFRAME:
  The goal is not to eliminate conflict (impossible and unhealthy).
  The goal is to fight WELL -- to disagree in ways that are
  respectful, productive, and ultimately connecting.
```

### Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Modes

```
CONFLICT RESPONSE STYLES:

                    HIGH
                     |
    COMPETING        |        COLLABORATING
    (I win, you lose)|        (We both win)
    "My way"         |        "Let's find the best solution"
                     |
  ASSERTIVENESS      |
                     |
    AVOIDING         |        ACCOMMODATING
    (Nobody deals)   |        (You win, I lose)
    "Whatever"       |        "Your way"
                     |
                    LOW ----- COOPERATIVENESS ----- HIGH
                     |
              COMPROMISING (center)
              (We each give a little)
              "Meet in the middle"

WHEN TO USE EACH:

COMPETING: When safety is at stake, urgent decisions, protecting rights
COLLABORATING: When relationship matters AND outcome matters
COMPROMISING: When time is limited, both parties have valid positions
AVOIDING: When issue is trivial, emotions too high, or more info needed
ACCOMMODATING: When you're wrong, or issue matters more to them

IDEAL FOR CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS: Collaborating (most often)
IDEAL FOR WORKPLACE: Varies by situation -- all modes have a place
```

## Destructive Conflict Patterns

### The Four Common Escalation Patterns

Relationship researcher John Gottman's decades of research at the University of Washington identified four destructive communication patterns that strongly predict relationship deterioration. The following is a summary of these research findings. For the complete Gottman framework including assessment tools and intervention protocols, see John and Julie Gottman's books and gottman.com.

**1. Character Attacks (vs. Behavior Feedback)**
When we attack someone's character rather than addressing a specific behavior ("You're so selfish" vs. "I felt hurt when..."), it makes the other person feel fundamentally flawed rather than simply asked to change a behavior.

*Healthier alternative:* Use a gentle, specific opening. "I feel [emotion] about [specific situation]. I need [specific request]."

**2. Contempt and Disrespect**
Mockery, eye-rolling, sarcasm intended to wound, and expressions of superiority. Research identifies this pattern as the single strongest predictor of relationship failure.

*Healthier alternative:* Build a daily practice of expressing genuine appreciation. During conflict: "I respect that you see it differently. Help me understand your perspective."

**3. Defensiveness**
Counter-attacking or playing victim when confronted ("That's not my fault!" / "What about what YOU did?"). This rejects the other person's perspective and escalates the conflict.

*Healthier alternative:* Take responsibility for even a small part. "You're right that I skipped to call. I should have set a reminder. I'm sorry."

**4. Withdrawal / Shutting Down**
Refusing to engage, giving the silent treatment, or emotionally checking out. This is often a response to feeling emotionally overwhelmed rather than intentional cruelty.

*Healthier alternative:* Self-soothe, then return. "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need a break to calm down. I'm not leaving this conversation -- I'll be back in 20-30 minutes and we can continue." Return when promised -- this is critical for trust.

## De-Escalation Techniques

### When Emotions Are High

```
DE-ESCALATION FRAMEWORK:

STEP 1: RECOGNIZE FLOODING
  Signs you or they are emotionally flooded:
  - Heart rate above 100 bpm
  - Difficulty hearing what's being said
  - Desire to fight, flee, or freeze
  - Feeling attacked, defensive, or overwhelmed
  - Repeating the same point louder

STEP 2: CALL A TIMEOUT (respectfully)
  "I want to resolve this, and I can feel myself getting too
   heated to do that well. Can we take a 20-minute break and
   come back to this?"

  TIMEOUT RULES:
  - Minimum 20 minutes (physiological calming takes at least this long)
  - Maximum 24 hours (don't let it go longer without reconnecting)
  - Agree on when you'll return to the conversation
  - During the break: NO rehearsing arguments or building your case
  - DO: physical activity, deep breathing, grounding exercises
  - Return at the agreed time

STEP 3: RETURN AND RESTART
  "Thank you for giving me that space. I'm ready to listen.
   Can you share your perspective, and I'll do my best to understand?"

IF THE OTHER PERSON IS ESCALATED:
  - Lower your voice (they'll often match your volume)
  - Slow your speech
  - Soften your posture (uncross arms, open hands)
  - Validate before correcting: "I hear you. You're really upset about this."
  - Don't tell them to "calm down" (never works, often inflames)
  - Name what you see: "I can see this is really important to you"
  - If safety is a concern: leave. You can address the issue later.
```

### Repair Attempts

```
REPAIR ATTEMPTS:

Repair attempts are any effort to stop the negative cycle.
Research suggests they are among the strongest predictors
of relationship longevity.

VERBAL REPAIRS:
  "Can we start over? I didn't say that well."
  "I'm sorry. That came out wrong."
  "I can see your point."
  "You're right about that."
  "I love you, even though I'm frustrated right now."
  "This is getting too heated. Can we take a break?"
  "What are we really fighting about?"
  "I don't want to win this argument. I want us to be okay."
  "Let's find something we agree on."
  "I hear you."

PHYSICAL REPAIRS:
  - Reaching for their hand
  - A gentle touch on the arm
  - Moving closer instead of away
  - Making eye contact with warmth
  - A hug (if welcome and appropriate)

HUMOR REPAIRS (use carefully):
  - An inside joke (must be gentle, never mocking)
  - A silly face to break the tension
  - "Well, we're definitely not boring"

THE KEY: The repair attempt only works if the other person
ACCEPTS it. Rejecting repair attempts is a major warning sign.

If your repairs are consistently rejected:
  - Try different types of repairs
  - Address the pattern directly: "I've been trying to reconnect
    and I feel like my attempts aren't getting through"
  - Consider professional support (couples therapy)
```

## Conflict Resolution Process

### Step-by-Step Resolution Framework

```
CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS:

PHASE 1: PREPARE (before the conversation)
  [ ] Identify the core issue (not the surface complaint)
  [ ] Check: Am I calm enough to have this conversation productively?
  [ ] Define my goal: what do I need from this conversation?
  [ ] Consider their perspective: how might they see this?
  [ ] Choose the right time and place (private, not rushed, not late at night)
  [ ] Frame as "us vs. the problem" not "me vs. you"

PHASE 2: OPEN (start the conversation)
  [ ] Use a soft startup (not criticism or blame)
      "I'd like to talk about something that's been on my mind.
       Is now a good time?"
  [ ] State the issue neutrally
  [ ] Express your feelings using "I" statements
  [ ] Make your need or request clear

PHASE 3: LISTEN (understand their side)
  [ ] Listen without interrupting
  [ ] Reflect back what you heard
  [ ] Ask clarifying questions
  [ ] Validate their perspective (validating =/= agreeing)
      "I can understand why you'd see it that way."

PHASE 4: EXPLORE (find the underlying needs)
  [ ] Beneath positions are interests. What do you each actually NEED?
      Position: "I want to go to my parents for Thanksgiving"
      Interest/Need: "I need to feel connected to my family"
  [ ] Look for shared interests: "We both want..."
  [ ] Acknowledge what's hard about this for both sides

PHASE 5: SOLVE (brainstorm solutions)
  [ ] Generate options without judging (brainstorm freely)
  [ ] Evaluate options against BOTH people's needs
  [ ] Choose a solution you can both live with
  [ ] Make it specific: who does what, by when

PHASE 6: AGREE (commit to the solution)
  [ ] Summarize the agreement out loud
  [ ] Both explicitly agree (not just silence)
  [ ] Set a check-in date to see how it's working
  [ ] Express appreciation for the conversation

PHASE 7: REPAIR (tend to the relationship)
  [ ] Acknowledge the difficulty: "That was hard, but I'm glad we talked"
  [ ] Reconnect: share a positive moment, affection, gratitude
  [ ] Follow through on your commitments
  [ ] Check in at the agreed time
```

## Setting Boundaries

```
BOUNDARY SETTING FRAMEWORK:

WHAT IS A BOUNDARY?
  A boundary defines what is acceptable to you.
  It's about YOUR behavior, not controlling theirs.

  NOT a boundary: "You need to stop yelling at me."
  IS a boundary: "If the yelling continues, I will leave the room."

BOUNDARY TEMPLATE:
  "I need [what you need].
   If [the behavior continues],
   I will [what you will do]."

  Example: "I need conversations to stay respectful.
            If name-calling happens, I will end the conversation
            and we can try again tomorrow."

TYPES OF BOUNDARIES:
  Physical: "I need personal space when I'm upset"
  Emotional: "I'm not willing to be yelled at"
  Time: "I'm not available after 9 PM for work calls"
  Material: "I'm not comfortable lending money"
  Digital: "I need you to not go through my phone"

DELIVERING BOUNDARIES:
  1. Be clear and direct (not hinting or hoping they'll figure it out)
  2. Be calm (set boundaries before you're at breaking point)
  3. Be consistent (enforce every time, not just sometimes)
  4. Be prepared for pushback (boundaries often upset people who benefited
     from you having none)
  5. Follow through (a boundary without follow-through is just a request)

WHEN THEY PUSH BACK:
  "I understand this is different from how things have been.
   This is what I need to be healthy in this relationship."
  Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain excessively).
  State the boundary, follow through, repeat as needed.
```

## Workplace Conflict Approaches

```
WORKPLACE CONFLICT DIFFERENCES:

UNIQUE CONSIDERATIONS:
  - Power dynamics matter (boss/subordinate, tenure, org chart)
  - Professional reputation is at stake
  - HR and policy frameworks exist (use them when appropriate)
  - You don't have to be friends, but you must be professional
  - Documentation can be important

COLLEAGUE-TO-COLLEAGUE:
  1. Address directly first (most issues can be resolved peer-to-peer)
  2. Use SBI model for feedback (see Communication Coach skill)
  3. Focus on work impact, not personal feelings
  4. If unresolved: loop in manager together (not going "over their head")
  5. If still unresolved: HR or formal mediation

EMPLOYEE-TO-MANAGER:
  1. Request a private meeting (don't ambush in hallway)
  2. Come prepared with specific examples (facts, not generalizations)
  3. Use "I" statements and focus on work impact
  4. Propose solutions, don't just bring problems
  5. Document conversations (email summary after meeting)
  6. If pattern continues: HR, skip-level meeting, or formal complaint

MANAGER-TO-EMPLOYEE:
  1. Address behavior early and specifically (don't let it build)
  2. Use SBI model: Situation, Behavior, Impact
  3. Distinguish between skill gaps and will gaps
  4. For skill: offer training and support
  5. For will: clear expectations and consequences
  6. Document everything (dates, conversations, agreements)
  7. Follow your organization's performance management process

TOXIC WORKPLACE DYNAMICS:
  If the environment itself is toxic:
  - Document patterns (dates, witnesses, specifics)
  - Report through appropriate channels (HR, ethics hotline)
  - Seek external support (therapist, career coach, legal advice)
  - Protect your wellbeing: boundaries and exit planning if needed
```

## Forgiveness Process

```
THE FORGIVENESS JOURNEY:

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS:
  - Releasing the hold resentment has on YOU
  - A process, not a single decision
  - Possible without reconciliation
  - Not condoning or excusing what happened
  - A gift to yourself, not to the other person

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:
  - skipping what happened
  - Pretending it was okay
  - Trusting the person again automatically
  - Allowing the behavior to continue
  - Required in any specific timeframe

FORGIVENESS PROCESS:

  1. ACKNOWLEDGE THE HURT
     Name specifically what happened and how it affected you.
     Don't minimize. This was real. Your pain is valid.

  2. FEEL THE FEELINGS
     Allow anger, sadness, betrayal, disappointment.
     These emotions are information, not enemies.
     Suppressing them prolongs the process.

  3. UNDERSTAND (if possible)
     Not to excuse, but to make sense of it.
     Hurt people often hurt people.
     Understanding doesn't require agreeing.

  4. DECIDE TO FORGIVE
     This is a choice you make for yourself.
     You may need to make this choice repeatedly.
     Forgiveness is not a switch -- it's a direction.

  5. SET BOUNDARIES FOR THE FUTURE
     Forgiveness and trust are separate.
     You can forgive and still change the relationship.
     Protect yourself from repeated harm.

  6. LET GO (gradually)
     Notice when you're ruminating and gently redirect
     If thoughts persist: journaling, therapy, ritual (writing a letter
     you don't send, symbolic release)
     Trust that it gets lighter with time

FORGIVENESS WITHOUT RECONCILIATION:
  Sometimes forgiveness is internal only.
  You can forgive someone without:
    - Telling them you forgive them
    - Restoring the relationship
    - Having any further contact
  This is especially true for abuse, betrayal, or relationships
  that are unsafe to continue.
```

## Mediation Process

```
FACILITATING MEDIATION BETWEEN OTHERS:

When you're asked to help two people resolve a conflict:

GROUND RULES (establish first):
  1. One person speaks at a time
  2. No interrupting
  3. No name-calling or personal attacks
  4. Both parties commit to attempting resolution
  5. What's said here stays here (confidentiality)
  6. The mediator is neutral (not taking sides)

PROCESS:
  1. Opening: "We're here to work through [issue] together."
  2. Person A shares their perspective (uninterrupted)
  3. Mediator reflects: "Person A, you're saying that..."
  4. Person B shares their perspective (uninterrupted)
  5. Mediator reflects: "Person B, you're saying that..."
  6. Identify common ground: "You both agree that..."
  7. Identify the core disagreement: "The main issue seems to be..."
  8. Brainstorm solutions together
  9. Agree on a solution both can accept
  10. Summarize and set follow-up
```

## Output Format

When providing conflict resolution guidance:

```
CONFLICT ANALYSIS

Situation: [summary]
Type: [personal / professional / family]
Pattern: [one-time / recurring]
Core issue beneath the surface: [identified deeper need]

RECOMMENDED APPROACH:
  Conflict mode: [collaborating / compromising / etc.]
  Framework: [Gottman / Crucial Conversations / etc.]

CONVERSATION SCRIPT:
  Opening: "_______________"
  Core message: "_______________"
  If they respond with [likely response]: "_______________"
  Repair if needed: "_______________"

BOUNDARIES TO SET (if applicable):
  "_______________"

RED FLAGS TO WATCH FOR:
  [Warning signs that professional help is needed]

FOLLOW-UP PLAN:
  After the conversation: _______________
  Check-in date: _______________
```

## Example

**Input:** "Help me get started with conflict resolver"

**Output:** A structured conflict resolver plan tailored to the user's specific situation, following the process outlined above.

## Edge Cases

- **Incomplete information:** Ask clarifying questions before proceeding. Do not assume details the user has not provided.
- **Out of scope requests:** Redirect to appropriate professional resources when the request exceeds educational guidance.
- **Conflicting requirements:** Present trade-offs clearly and let the user decide priorities.
