---
name: parenting-advisor
description: |
  Evidence-based parenting guidance by developmental stage, covering positive discipline, age-appropriate expectations, communication strategies, and common challenges from newborn through teenage years.
  Use when the user asks about parenting advisor, or needs help with evidence-based parenting guidance by developmental stage, covering positive discipline, age-appropriate expectations, communication strategies, and common challenges from newborn through teenage years.
  Do NOT use when the request requires professional specialized advice or falls outside the scope of parenting advisor.
license: Apache-2.0
metadata:
  author: foundry-skills
  version: "1.0.0"
  tags: "parenting family-events guide"
  category: "family-relationships"
  subcategory: "parenting"
  depends: ""
  disclaimer: "none"
  difficulty: "intermediate"
---

# Parenting Advisor

## When to Use

**Use this skill when:**
- User asks about parenting advisor
- User needs guidance on parenting advisor topics
- User wants a structured approach to parenting advisor

**Do NOT use when:**
- Request requires professional consultation beyond educational guidance
- User needs emergency assistance

## Process

1. **Step 1:** Gather child age, specific situation or challenge, and parenting goals
2. **Step 2:** Identify developmental stage and age-appropriate expectations
3. **Step 3:** Recommend evidence-based strategies for the specific challenge
4. **Step 4:** Provide concrete scripts, routines, or frameworks the parent can implement today
5. **Step 5:** Include what to expect (realistic timelines) and when to seek professional support

## Overview

This skill provides comprehensive, research-backed parenting guidance tailored to your child's developmental stage. Drawing from authoritative frameworks including the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) guidelines, positive discipline methodology (Jane Nelsen), and developmental psychology research, this advisor helps parents navigate challenges with confidence and compassion.

## Questions to Ask the User First

Before providing guidance, gather essential context:

1. **What is your child's age?** (months for infants, years for older children)
2. **What specific challenge or situation are you facing?**
3. **What is your family structure?** (two-parent, single-parent, blended, co-parenting, multigenerational)
4. **Are there any special considerations?** (developmental differences, health conditions, recent life changes)
5. **What have you already tried?**
6. **What parenting approach resonates with you?** (structured, gentle, collaborative)
7. **Cultural or value-based considerations** that should inform the guidance?

## Developmental Stage Framework

### Stage 1: Newborn (0-3 Months)

**Primary Needs:** Attachment, regulation, trust-building

**Key Developmental Tasks:**
- Establishing feeding rhythms (breast, bottle, or combination)
- Sleep pattern development (no "schedule" yet -- respond to cues)
- Sensory processing and environmental adjustment
- Parent-infant bonding and attachment formation

**Parenting Focus:**
- Respond promptly to cries (you cannot spoil a newborn)
- Skin-to-skin contact as often as possible
- Learn your baby's unique cues (hunger, tired, overstimulated)
- Establish a flexible routine, not a rigid schedule
- Accept help -- postpartum recovery matters

**Common Challenges & Solutions:**

| Challenge | Evidence-Based Approach |
|-----------|----------------------|
| Colic/excessive crying | Rule of 3s assessment, 5 S's (Swaddle, Side, Shush, Swing, Suck) |
| Sleep deprivation | Shift sleeping, safe co-sleeping guidelines if chosen, sleep when baby sleeps |
| Feeding difficulties | Lactation consultant referral, paced bottle feeding technique |
| Postpartum mood changes | Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale screening, professional support |

### Stage 2: Infant (4-12 Months)

**Primary Needs:** Exploration, attachment security, sensorimotor development

**Key Developmental Tasks:**
- Motor milestones (rolling, sitting, crawling, possibly walking)
- Object permanence development
- Babbling and pre-language communication
- Stranger awareness and separation anxiety (normal at 8-10 months)

**Parenting Focus:**
- Create safe exploration environments (babyproofing)
- Responsive feeding (baby-led weaning or traditional -- both valid)
- Narrate your day to build language exposure
- Consistent bedtime routine establishment
- Allow safe risk-taking in movement

**Positive Discipline at This Stage:**
- Redirect rather than say "no" (save "no" for safety)
- Use simple language: "Gentle hands" with demonstration
- Remove hazards rather than expecting compliance
- Validate emotions even when setting limits

### Stage 3: Toddler (1-3 Years)

**Primary Needs:** Autonomy, language explosion, emotional regulation (co-regulation)

**Key Developmental Tasks:**
- Walking, running, climbing
- Vocabulary explosion (50 words by 18 months, 200+ by age 2)
- Beginning of pretend play
- Asserting independence ("NO!" phase)
- Toilet learning readiness

**Parenting Focus:**
- Offer controlled choices: "Red shirt or blue shirt?"
- Name emotions constantly: "You seem frustrated that the block fell"
- Use "First-Then" language: "First shoes, then outside"
- Maintain consistent routines with visual schedules
- Allow messes -- this is how they learn

**Positive Discipline Techniques:**
```
REDIRECT Framework for Toddlers:
R - Recognize the feeling behind the behavior
E - Empathize verbally: "I see you're really upset"
D - Distract or redirect to acceptable alternative
I - Involve them in solutions when possible
R - Reinforce desired behavior with specific praise
E - Establish consistent, simple boundaries
C - Connect before correcting
T - Time-in (not time-out) for emotional flooding
```

**Common Toddler Challenges:**

| Challenge | Strategy |
|-----------|----------|
| Tantrums | Stay calm, stay close, validate, wait it out, debrief after |
| Hitting/biting | "I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts. You can hit this pillow." |
| Food refusal | Division of responsibility (Ellyn Satter): parent decides what/when/where, child decides whether/how much |
| Sleep regression | Maintain routine, offer comfort, avoid creating new dependencies |
| Sharing struggles | Normal -- parallel play is developmentally appropriate |

### Stage 4: Preschool (3-5 Years)

**Primary Needs:** Initiative, social skills, imaginative play, pre-academic foundations

**Key Developmental Tasks:**
- Complex pretend play and theory of mind
- Early friendships and social navigation
- Pre-literacy and numeracy readiness
- Increasing emotional vocabulary and self-regulation
- Understanding rules and fairness

**Parenting Focus:**
- Ask open-ended questions about their play and ideas
- Teach problem-solving: "What could you try?"
- Foster independence in self-care (dressing, hygiene)
- Read together daily -- interactive reading with questions
- Normalize mistakes as learning

**Positive Discipline Techniques:**
- Natural consequences when safe: skipped jacket = feels cold briefly
- Logical consequences when needed: threw toy = toy goes away temporarily
- Family contribution: simple household tasks build belonging
- Problem-solving together: "We have a problem. What ideas do you have?"

### Stage 5: School-Age (6-11 Years)

**Primary Needs:** Industry, competence, peer belonging, academic identity

**Key Developmental Tasks:**
- Academic skill building and learning-to-learn
- Deepening friendships and social hierarchies
- Developing sense of competence and self-efficacy
- Moral reasoning development
- Beginning understanding of abstract concepts

**Parenting Focus:**
- Homework support without doing it for them
- Encourage effort over outcome (growth mindset, Carol Dweck)
- Monitor friendships and social dynamics without controlling
- Teach digital citizenship early
- Maintain family connection rituals (dinner, game nights, one-on-one time)

**Communication Template:**
```
When discussing a school/social challenge:

1. LISTEN first (full attention, no phone, get on their level)
2. REFLECT: "It sounds like you felt [emotion] when [situation]"
3. VALIDATE: "That makes sense. I'd feel that way too"
4. ASK: "What do you think you could do about it?"
5. BRAINSTORM together if they're stuck
6. SUPPORT their chosen approach
7. FOLLOW UP later: "How did it go with [situation]?"
```

### Stage 6: Tween (11-13 Years)

**Primary Needs:** Identity formation, increasing autonomy, peer acceptance, puberty navigation

**Key Developmental Tasks:**
- Puberty and body changes
- Abstract thinking development
- Increasing peer influence relative to parent influence
- Identity experimentation
- Beginning separation-individuation from family

**Parenting Focus:**
- Maintain connection even as they pull away
- Have ongoing (not one-time) conversations about puberty, bodies, consent
- Respect growing privacy needs while maintaining safety
- Negotiate rules collaboratively where possible
- Be available without being intrusive

**Autonomy Ladder Template:**
```
Level 1: Parent decides, explains reasoning
Level 2: Parent decides after hearing child's input
Level 3: Child decides with parent approval
Level 4: Child decides and informs parent
Level 5: Child decides independently

Map each domain (bedtime, clothing, social media, homework)
to the appropriate level and advance gradually.
```

### Stage 7: Teenager (14-18 Years)

**Primary Needs:** Identity consolidation, genuine autonomy, future orientation, intimate relationships

**Key Developmental Tasks:**
- Identity achievement across domains (values, career, relationships)
- Executive function maturation (still developing until mid-20s)
- Romantic and sexual development
- Future planning (college, career, independent living)
- Consolidating personal value system

**Parenting Focus:**
- Shift from manager to consultant role
- Pick battles wisely -- safety and values, not hair color
- Maintain family meals and rituals (research shows protective effect)
- Discuss substance use, consent, mental health openly
- Support gradual independence through scaffolded responsibility

## Parenting Styles Framework

### The Four Styles (Baumrind Model)

| Style | Warmth | Structure | Outcome Research |
|-------|--------|-----------|-----------------|
| **Authoritative** (recommended) | High | High | Best outcomes across domains |
| Authoritarian | Low | High | Compliance but lower self-esteem |
| Permissive | High | Low | Social skills but poor self-regulation |
| Uninvolved | Low | Low | Poorest outcomes across domains |

### Authoritative Parenting in Practice

```
The Authoritative Balance:

WARMTH                          STRUCTURE
- Emotional availability        - Clear, consistent boundaries
- Affection and praise          - Age-appropriate expectations
- Active listening              - Follow-through on consequences
- Validation of feelings        - Routines and predictability
- Unconditional positive regard - Monitoring and supervision
- Quality time                  - Teaching and modeling
```

## Positive Discipline Toolkit

### Core Principles (Jane Nelsen)

1. **Mutual respect** -- Kind AND firm at the same time
2. **Belonging and significance** -- Misbehavior often signals unmet need
3. **Long-term effectiveness** -- What teaches life skills?
4. **Social and life skills** -- Responsibility, cooperation, problem-solving
5. **Discovering capability** -- "I am capable" as core belief

### The Mistaken Goals Chart

| Behavior Pattern | Child's Belief | Parent Feels | Effective Response |
|-----------------|---------------|-------------|-------------------|
| Attention-seeking | "I belong only when noticed" | Annoyed, irritated | Give attention at unexpected times, involve in useful tasks |
| Power struggles | "I belong only when in control" | Angry, challenged | Offer choices, don't fight or give in, redirect to positive power |
| Revenge | "I don't belong, so I'll hurt back" | Hurt, disappointed | Don't retaliate, build trust, acknowledge hurt |
| Assumed inadequacy | "I can't belong, so I'll give up" | Despair, helpless | Show faith, encourage any small step, don't give up on them |

### Consequence Decision Tree

```
Is the child's behavior a problem?
  |
  YES
  |
  Is it a safety issue?
  |--- YES --> Immediate, firm intervention. Explain after calm.
  |--- NO --> Is this a teaching moment or a limit-setting moment?
              |
              |--- Teaching --> Natural consequence available?
              |     |--- YES --> Allow it (if safe): "What happened when you skipped your lunch?"
              |     |--- NO --> Logical consequence: Related, Respectful, Reasonable
              |
              |--- Limit-setting --> State the limit kindly and firmly
                    "I love you AND the answer is no."
                    Hold the limit through protest. Validate the feeling.
```

## Communication Strategies by Age

### For Young Children (2-5)
- Get on their physical level
- Use 5-word sentences or fewer
- Offer two choices maximum
- Say what they CAN do, not just what they cannot
- Use visual aids and schedules

### For School-Age Children (6-11)
- Active listening with eye contact
- Reflect feelings before problem-solving
- Use "I notice..." instead of accusations
- Side-by-side conversations (car rides, walks) reduce pressure
- Family meetings for recurring issues

### For Tweens and Teens (12-18)
- Listen 80%, talk 20%
- Avoid lecturing (they tune out after 30 seconds)
- Validate before advising
- Ask permission: "Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen?"
- Text communication can supplement (not replace) face-to-face
- Respect their timeline for talking

## Common Challenge Templates

### Template: Sibling Conflict Resolution

```
STEP 1 - Separate if needed (safety first)
STEP 2 - Acknowledge both children's feelings individually:
  "[Child A], you felt ___ when ___ happened"
  "[Child B], you felt ___ when ___ happened"
STEP 3 - Restate the problem neutrally:
  "So the problem is ___"
STEP 4 - Invite solutions:
  "What ideas do you both have to solve this?"
STEP 5 - Agree on a solution both can accept
STEP 6 - Check back: "How is the agreement working?"
```

### Template: Homework Struggles

```
Assessment Questions:
- Is this a skill gap or a motivation gap?
- Is the environment conducive to focus?
- Is the workload developmentally appropriate?
- Are there underlying issues (learning difference, anxiety, social problems)?

Action Plan:
1. Create a consistent homework environment: [location], [time], [supplies]
2. Break work into chunks: [minutes on] / [minutes break]
3. Parent role: Available nearby, not hovering
4. If struggling > 20 minutes on one problem: move on, note for teacher
5. Communicate with teacher if pattern persists
```

### Template: Big Life Transitions

```
Transition: [divorce, new sibling, move, school change, loss]

BEFORE (if possible):
- Give age-appropriate advance notice: ___
- Read books together about the topic: ___
- Maintain existing routines where possible
- Invite questions: "What are you wondering about?"

DURING:
- Name what's happening honestly: ___
- Validate all feelings (including anger, relief, confusion)
- Maintain anchors: [bedtime routine, family meal, special object]
- Increase physical affection and one-on-one time

AFTER:
- Check in regularly (not just once)
- Watch for behavioral changes lasting > 2 weeks
- Seek professional support if: [regression, withdrawal, aggression, sleep/appetite changes]
- Be patient -- adjustment takes time
```

## Special Considerations

### Co-Parenting After Separation
- Keep conflict away from children
- Maintain consistent rules across households where possible
- Never use children as messengers
- Speak neutrally about the other parent
- Use parallel parenting if high-conflict (minimal direct communication)

### Blended Family Integration
- Go slow -- bond before discipline
- Biological parent handles discipline initially
- Create new family traditions while honoring old ones
- Allow grief for the family structure that was
- Professional support is strength, not weakness

### Neurodivergent Children
- Collaborate with professionals for tailored strategies
- Sensory needs are real needs, not preferences
- Behavior is communication -- decode before correcting
- Celebrate strengths and different ways of thinking
- Adjust expectations to the individual child, not age norms alone

### Culturally Responsive Parenting
- Honor your family's cultural values and traditions
- Discuss cultural identity and pride proactively
- Prepare children for bias they may encounter (if applicable)
- Seek community and cultural mirrors in books, media, friendships
- Bilingual/multilingual development is a gift -- support all languages

## When to Seek Professional Support

Consult a pediatrician or child psychologist if you observe:
- Persistent regression in previously mastered skills
- Significant behavior change lasting more than 2 weeks
- Self-harm or expressed desire to harm self/others
- Extreme anxiety, withdrawal, or persistent sadness
- Eating or sleeping disruption beyond normal phases
- Parental burnout, depression, or feeling unsafe

**Remember:** Seeking help is good parenting, not a failure. Every parent needs support.

## Output Formatting

When providing parenting advice, structure the response as:

```
SITUATION SUMMARY: [restate the user's challenge]
DEVELOPMENTAL CONTEXT: [what's normal for this age]
RECOMMENDED APPROACH:
  1. [First step with specific language to use]
  2. [Second step]
  3. [Third step]
WHAT TO SAY: "[exact scripts/phrases to try]"
WHAT TO AVOID: [common mistakes for this situation]
TIMELINE: [when to expect change, when to reassess]
RESOURCES: [books, websites, professionals if relevant]
```

## Example

**Input:** "My 4-year-old has started having intense tantrums every day at bedtime. Nothing I try works. I am exhausted."

**Output:**

## Bedtime Tantrum Strategy: Age 4

**Developmental context:** At age 4, tantrums at transitions (especially bedtime) are developmentally normal. The prefrontal cortex is still developing -- emotional regulation is a skill they are learning, not one they have.

### Root Cause Assessment
Common triggers for bedtime tantrums at age 4:
1. Overtired (counterintuitively, overtired children fight sleep harder)
2. Need for control (4-year-olds are asserting independence)
3. Separation anxiety or fear of dark
4. Inconsistent routine (the brain craves predictability)

### The Bedtime Routine Framework (30 minutes)
| Time | Activity | Purpose |
|------|----------|---------|
| T-30 min | Warning: "30 minutes until bedtime" | Transition prep |
| T-20 min | Calm activity (bath, coloring, puzzle) | Nervous system wind-down |
| T-10 min | Pajamas, teeth, potty | Routine steps (same order every night) |
| T-5 min | 2 books (child chooses) | Gives sense of control |
| T-0 | Lights out, 1 song or short chat | Connection moment |

### Key Technique: Offer Controlled Choices
Instead of: "It is bedtime now" (triggers power struggle)
Try: "Do you want the blue pajamas or the red pajamas?" then "Do you want mommy or daddy to read tonight?"
This gives the child agency within your boundaries.

### What to Expect
- Week 1: Tantrums may actually increase (extinction burst -- they test the new boundary)
- Week 2-3: Frequency should decrease if routine is consistent
- Week 4+: New routine becomes expected

### When to Seek Help
If tantrums include self-harm, last longer than 30 minutes regularly, or are accompanied by regression in other areas (potty training, speech), consult your pediatrician.

## Edge Cases

- **Incomplete information:** Ask clarifying questions before proceeding. Do not assume details the user has not provided.
- **Out of scope requests:** Redirect to appropriate professional resources when the request exceeds educational guidance.
- **Conflicting requirements:** Present trade-offs clearly and let the user decide priorities.
