---
name: bedtime-routine-design
description: |
  Creates structured bedtime routines organized by child age with specific timing, activity sequences, and strategies for managing common resistance behaviors. Produces complete routine templates with transition cues, calming activities, and troubleshooting guides.
  Use when the user asks about creating a bedtime routine, managing bedtime resistance, improving children's sleep habits, or structuring the evening-to-sleep transition.
  Do NOT use for diagnosing sleep disorders, treating insomnia in children, or replacing guidance from a pediatric sleep specialist.
license: Apache-2.0
metadata:
  author: foundry-skills
  version: "1.0.0"
  tags: "parenting sleep template"
  category: "family-relationships"
  subcategory: "parenting"
  depends: ""
  disclaimer: "none"
  difficulty: "beginner"
---
# Bedtime Routine Design

## When to Use

**Use this skill when:**
- A parent or caregiver asks how to build, fix, or overhaul a bedtime routine for a child of any age from 4 months to 17 years
- A user describes bedtime taking too long (more than 45 minutes from start to lights-out) and wants a structured solution
- A user needs age-specific bedtimes, sleep duration targets, or help calculating a wake time that works with a school or daycare schedule
- A user is navigating a transition -- crib to bed, co-sleeping to independent sleep, dropping the last nap, starting school -- and needs a routine reset
- A user describes specific resistance behaviors (curtain calls, the "one more" stall loop, fear-based refusals, door-opening after lights out) and wants response scripts and a structural fix
- A user is managing multiple children with different ages and needs staggered routines that work within a single household
- A user has had a routine disrupted by travel, illness, daylight saving time, a new sibling, or a move and needs a reset protocol

**Do NOT use when:**
- The child has symptoms consistent with a sleep disorder: witnessed apnea pauses, chronic loud snoring, sleep paralysis, sleepwalking or night terrors occurring more than 2-3 times per week, excessive daytime sleepiness that impairs functioning -- refer to pediatrician or pediatric sleep specialist
- The user asks about infant sleep training methods (cry-it-out, Ferber, chair method, pick-up/put-down) as standalone protocols with medical implications -- these have distinct frameworks and should be handled with a pediatric-informed lens; refer to infant sleep training skill
- The child is under 4 months -- sleep consolidation has not yet developed and routines serve limited function; safe sleep environment guidance takes priority
- The user is asking about adult sleep improvement -- use health-wellness sleep hygiene skills
- The user is describing what sounds like a significant behavioral or anxiety disorder (severe separation anxiety requiring professional intervention, panic responses to being alone) -- note the pattern and recommend consultation with a child psychologist alongside any routine suggestions
- The user is asking about pharmaceutical sleep aids, melatonin dosing, or supplement protocols -- redirect to pediatrician
- The child has a neurological or developmental diagnosis (autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, sensory processing disorder) and the user is asking for specialized support -- acknowledge that the general framework applies but note that sensory and regulatory differences require individualized adaptation beyond this skill's scope

---

## Process

### Step 1: Gather Information Before Designing Anything

Ask targeted questions to avoid producing a generic routine that does not fit the family's actual life. Never skip this step.

- **Age of the child** -- a 5-month-old and a 5-year-old both need routines but the logic is entirely different
- **Current wake time and natural wake time** -- what time does the child actually wake up on their own, and what time do they need to be up? The gap reveals whether the current bedtime is producing adequate sleep
- **Current bedtime and lights-out time** -- these are often different. "Bedtime starts at 7:30" but lights out at 9:15 means there is a 105-minute dysfunction to address
- **Sleep location and sleep associations** -- does the child fall asleep with a parent present, nursing, being rocked, or with the TV on? The presence of a sleep association means any routine redesign must address association fading, not just activity sequencing
- **Specific friction points** -- stalling tactics, fear, physical resistance, coming out of the room, the number of times a parent returns, co-sleeping spillover
- **Household structure** -- single parent, two parents with different work schedules, number of children, shared bedrooms, family living situations where noise control is limited
- **Any recent changes** -- new school, new sibling, move, illness, travel, daylight saving time shift, parent returning to work -- all of these destabilize routines and the new routine design must account for the transition

### Step 2: Calculate Sleep Architecture First, Then Work Backward to Bedtime

Sleep timing is not a preference -- it is constrained by biology. Calculate before recommending.

- **Use the required wake time as the anchor**, not bedtime. If the child must be up at 6:30 AM and needs 11 hours of sleep, bedtime (lights out, not routine start) is 7:30 PM. Many parents set bedtime too late because they start from bedtime preference, not sleep need.
- Apply these evidence-based sleep duration ranges (National Sleep Foundation / American Academy of Sleep Medicine):
  - Infant 4-11 months: 12-15 hours total (24 hours), including 2-3 naps. Evening sleep onset target: 6:30-7:30 PM.
  - Toddler 1-2 years: 11-14 hours total, including 1 nap. Bedtime lights-out: 7:00-8:00 PM.
  - Preschool 3-5 years: 10-13 hours. If napping, cap nap at 90 minutes and end by 2:30 PM. Bedtime lights-out: 7:00-8:00 PM.
  - School-age 6-12 years: 9-12 hours. No nap. Bedtime lights-out: 7:30-9:00 PM depending on age and wake time.
  - Teen 13-17 years: 8-10 hours. Circadian phase delay (biological, not behavioral) shifts sleep onset preference to 10:00 PM or later. Lights-out negotiated to allow 8+ hours before required wake.
- **If the child is showing daytime symptoms** (difficulty waking, falling asleep at school, hyperactivity in the evening), they are chronically undersleeping. Add 30 minutes to the current sleep duration target and move bedtime earlier accordingly.
- **Bedtime window matters.** For children under 12, sleep onset is easiest in a 30-45 minute window aligned with the child's natural rise in melatonin (typically 1-2 hours after sunset or when they show sleepy cues: eye rubbing, yawning, decreased activity, glassy eyes). Trying to put a child to bed before this window results in inability to fall asleep. Trying to put them to bed after results in overtiredness -- which paradoxically makes sleep harder via cortisol release.

### Step 3: Diagnose the Current Routine's Structural Problems

Before designing a new routine, identify what is broken in the current one. This prevents repeating the same mistakes in a new format.

- **Is there a routine at all?** No routine means no consistent sleep cue -- the child's nervous system receives no signal that sleep is approaching. Every night is a cold start.
- **Is the routine too long?** A routine that runs longer than 30 minutes for children under 12 (not including wind-down) has likely accumulated extras over time -- extra books, extra songs, extra negotiations. The child has learned that the routine is a negotiation zone, not a fixed sequence.
- **Does the child have a problematic sleep association?** If a parent must be present at the moment of sleep onset (lying in bed until the child falls asleep, nursing to sleep), the child will need that same condition to return to sleep after each normal overnight arousal. Night waking is often a sleep association problem, not a routine problem. Name this distinction for the parent.
- **Is the current bedtime biologically wrong?** A bedtime that is too early produces curtain calls and inability to fall asleep. A bedtime that is too late produces overtiredness disguised as hyperactivity and a child who "won't settle."
- **Are screens too close to bedtime?** Blue-light exposure from screens suppresses melatonin for 1-2 hours. A child who watches TV at 7:45 and has an 8:00 PM bedtime has chemically interfered with their sleep onset regardless of how calm the subsequent routine is.
- **Is the wind-down phase missing?** Moving from stimulating activity (active play, screen, rough-housing) directly into the routine is like hitting the brakes at highway speed. The wind-down phase is not optional -- it is what makes the routine work.

### Step 4: Design the Three-Phase Structure

Every effective bedtime routine has three distinct phases. Present them clearly and distinguish their purposes.

**Phase 1: Wind-Down (20-30 minutes before routine begins)**
- This is not part of the routine itself -- it is the deceleration ramp leading into it
- Dim lights throughout the living space (overhead lights off, lamps on, or smart bulb dimming). Dimming light triggers melatonin production in children as young as 4 months.
- Screens off: minimum 45 minutes before lights-out for children under 12; 60 minutes for teens
- Activity shift to low-stimulation: floor play with calm toys, drawing, puzzles, building quietly
- Sound environment: lower TV or music volume, reduce household noise
- Temperature: begin cooling the sleep environment (drop thermostat or open window) -- sleep onset is facilitated by a drop in core body temperature of 1-2 degrees Fahrenheit; a bedroom at 65-68°F is optimal for children over 12 months

**Phase 2: The Routine Sequence (15-30 minutes, same steps, same order, every night)**
- The power of a routine is neurological -- repetition builds a conditioned response. The sequence itself becomes the sleep cue. Changing the order or adding optional steps undermines this.
- Select 4-6 discrete activities in a fixed order. Each activity should be: (a) finite in duration, (b) calming, (c) familiar
- Front-load hygiene (bath, teeth, face wash) -- these are non-negotiable and child knows it
- End the sequence with the highest-connection, highest-comfort activity (story, song, conversation) immediately before the goodnight ritual -- do not add steps after this
- Every step should have a natural start and stop signal the child can anticipate

**Phase 3: Goodnight Ritual (2-5 minutes)**
- The goodnight ritual is a brief, consistent, affectionate closing sequence
- Use identical words every night -- not similar words, identical. "Hug. Kiss. I love you to the moon. See you in the morning." The repetition is neurological anchoring, not sentimentality.
- Exit the room within 2 minutes of the final words. Do not linger.
- If the child uses a transitional object (stuffed animal, blanket), incorporate it into the ritual: "Teddy is going to sleep with you. He's ready."
- One final environmental check: white noise on (if used), nightlight on (if used), door at preferred position (fully open, cracked, closed)

### Step 5: Build the Resistance Management Protocol

Resistance management is not an afterthought -- it is the most skill-intensive part of the routine for most families. Design it explicitly.

**Identify the child's specific resistance pattern:**
- **Curtain calls** -- the repeated exits from the room for new requests (water, hug, scared, "I forgot to tell you..."). Each request is individually reasonable, which makes it hard for parents to refuse. The structure fix is proactive saturation: offer water, hugs, and a brief "is there anything you need to tell me?" as formal steps in the routine before lights out. Remove the legitimate reasons for return.
- **Physical resistance to leaving the parent** -- the child who clings, cries at separation, or follows the parent out. This is often developmentally appropriate separation anxiety, not manipulation. The response is empathic but consistent: "I know it's hard to say goodnight. I love you. I will see you in the morning." Then exit. Validate feeling, maintain boundary, do not re-enter for non-urgent needs.
- **Stalling loops** -- "one more story," "one more song," "I need to ask you something." Stalling is a skill the child has learned because it has worked. The fix is a hard rule with no negotiation: "We read two books. Book time is done." Give no reason beyond the rule. Reasons invite counter-arguments.
- **The scared/monster claim** -- for children aged 3-7, fear of the dark or of imagined threats is real, not manipulation. Do not dismiss it. Do address it within the routine (before lights out), not after exit. Strategies: monster spray (spray bottle of water with a label), a "brave light" nightlight, a "guard animal" stuffed toy positioned at the door, a brief "room check" together before the goodnight ritual. Do not enter and do monster checks after lights out -- this rewards the fear report with a visit and reinforces the cycle.
- **The "I can't sleep" exit** -- distinguish between the child who genuinely cannot fall asleep (wrong bedtime, sleep association issue) and the child who does not want to be alone. If the bedtime is biologically correct and the routine is consistent, the response to this is: "You don't have to sleep. You need to rest quietly in your bed." Quiet time in bed is the boundary, not mandated sleep.

**Design response scripts with these properties:**
- Brief -- under 10 words when possible after the first occurrence
- Warm but boring -- not cold rejection, but not engaging enough to reward the exit
- Identical each time -- same words, same tone, same outcome
- No new information -- do not start a new conversation at the door at 9 PM

**The walk-back protocol for room exits:**
- First exit: brief acknowledgment + return to bed + goodnight ritual repeat (abbreviated)
- Second exit: 5-word acknowledgment + silent walk back + tuck in + leave
- Third and subsequent exits: silent walk back + leave. No words. This is not punitive -- it is boring, which removes the social reward of the exit.

### Step 6: Address Sleep Associations Separately from the Routine

Sleep associations are the most common cause of chronic night waking and routines that never end. Do not conflate routine design with sleep association management, but do address both.

- A **sleep association** is any condition the child requires at sleep onset that they cannot independently recreate during normal overnight arousals (which occur every 1.5-2 hours in children)
- Common problematic sleep associations: nursing or bottle feeding to sleep, being held or rocked to sleep, parent lying in the bed or room until sleep, having the TV on
- The bedtime routine must end with the child **awake in their sleep space** -- drowsy but awake for infants, sitting up in bed with lights off for toddlers and older children. This is the single most important structural feature of a routine designed to produce independent sleep.
- If a parent has been lying with the child until asleep, the routine redesign must include a **fade** -- progressive physical withdrawal over 7-14 days (sitting on the bed, then in a chair, then in the doorway, then outside the door) or a clean break with consistent response protocol. Present both options to the parent with realistic timelines.
- The first 5-7 nights of any sleep association change will involve more protest than the previous baseline. This is an extinction burst -- the behavior intensifies before it diminishes because the child's prior strategy is not working and they escalate. Warn the parent explicitly so they do not interpret the escalation as evidence the new approach is failing.

### Step 7: Set the Parent Up for Long-Term Maintenance

A routine that works for one week and then falls apart is a failure. Build in sustainability from the start.

- **The 10-14 day rule:** Any new routine requires 10-14 consecutive nights before the child's circadian rhythm and behavioral expectations adjust. Inconsistency within this window restarts the clock. One night off-routine (illness, travel, late event) does not erase progress, but three non-consecutive nights of abandoning the protocol does.
- **Recovery protocol for disrupted nights:** Illness, travel, holidays, and the night after a late event all disrupt routines. The recovery is simply returning to the exact same routine the following night without comment or discussion. Do not apologize for returning to the routine. Do not introduce a modified routine "just for tonight."
- **Routine evolution across developmental stages:** Routines must be updated approximately every 6-12 months in the toddler and preschool years as attention span, cognitive ability, and developmental needs change. The structure stays the same; the content evolves (longer books, independent reading, expanded conversation topics).
- **The parent's internal state matters:** A parent who is anxious or uncertain at the door communicates that uncertainty to the child. Coach the parent to use a calm, certain voice and body. "The parent's nervous system is the co-regulator of the child's nervous system" -- if the parent is tense and hovering, the child reads that as a cue that bedtime is indeed something to be anxious about.
- **Documenting the routine:** Recommend that the parent write the routine on a card (or print it) and post it in the child's room. For children aged 3 and up, a visual routine chart with pictures or icons gives the child agency -- they can follow along, check off steps, or even lead the sequence. Agency reduces resistance.

---

## Output Format

```markdown
## Bedtime Routine: [Child's Name or Age], Age [X]

---

### Sleep Architecture Summary
| Parameter | Target |
|-----------|--------|
| Required wake time | [Time] |
| Lights-out target | [Time] |
| Target sleep duration | [X] hours |
| Nap status | [Still napping / transitioning / fully dropped] |
| Nap cutoff (if applicable) | [Time -- e.g., cap at 90 min, end by 2:30 PM] |
| Wind-down start | [Time] |
| Routine start | [Time] |
| Estimated routine duration | [X] minutes |

**Sleep pressure note:** [One sentence about what biological factors are at play -- e.g., "At age 4, nap timing directly competes with nighttime sleep pressure; a late or long nap will push natural sleep onset to 9 PM or later regardless of routine quality."]

---

### Phase 1: Wind-Down ([Time] -- [Time], [X] minutes)

**Environment changes to make:**
- Lights: [Specific instruction -- e.g., overhead off, kitchen lamp at 50%, hall nightlight on]
- Screens: Off by [Time]
- Sound: [e.g., reduce household TV volume, switch to calm music or silence]
- Temperature: [e.g., set thermostat to 67°F, open child's window if below 72°F outside]

**Wind-down activities:**
| Time | Activity | Why This Works |
|------|----------|----------------|
| [Time] | [Activity] | [Specific physiological or behavioral rationale] |
| [Time] | [Activity] | [Specific physiological or behavioral rationale] |
| [Time] | [Activity] | [Specific physiological or behavioral rationale] |

---

### Phase 2: Routine Sequence ([Time] -- [Time], [X] minutes)

| Step | Activity | Duration | Key Notes |
|------|----------|----------|-----------|
| 1 | [Activity] | [X] min | [Specific technique detail] |
| 2 | [Activity] | [X] min | [Specific technique detail] |
| 3 | [Activity] | [X] min | [Specific technique detail] |
| 4 | [Activity] | [X] min | [Specific technique detail] |
| 5 | [Activity] | [X] min | [Specific technique detail] |
| 6 | [Activity] | [X] min | [Specific technique detail] |

**Non-negotiables in this sequence:**
- [Specific rule 1 for this child's age or situation]
- [Specific rule 2]
- [Specific rule 3]

---

### Phase 3: Goodnight Ritual ([Time], 2-5 minutes)

**Exact closing sequence (use these words every night):**
> "[Consistent, specific goodnight words]"

**Environmental final check:**
- [ ] White noise: [On / Off / Setting]
- [ ] Nightlight: [On / Off / Location]
- [ ] Door: [Open / Cracked / Closed]
- [ ] Transitional object: [Name / in position]
- [ ] Any last physical need addressed: [Water offered / bathroom taken]

---

### Resistance Management Scripts

| Stalling Behavior | First Occurrence Response | Second+ Occurrence Response |
|-------------------|--------------------------|------------------------------|
| [Specific behavior] | "[Specific script]" | "[Abbreviated script]" |
| [Specific behavior] | "[Specific script]" | "[Abbreviated script]" |
| [Specific behavior] | "[Specific script]" | "[Abbreviated script]" |
| [Specific behavior] | "[Specific script]" | "[Abbreviated script]" |

**Walk-back protocol for room exits:**
1. First exit: [Script + action]
2. Second exit: [Script + action]
3. Third and beyond: [Action only -- silent walk-back]

---

### Troubleshooting Guide

| Problem | Diagnosis | Specific Solution |
|---------|-----------|-------------------|
| [Issue] | [Root cause] | [Concrete fix] |
| [Issue] | [Root cause] | [Concrete fix] |
| [Issue] | [Root cause] | [Concrete fix] |
| [Issue] | [Root cause] | [Concrete fix] |
| [Issue] | [Root cause] | [Concrete fix] |

---

### Adjustment Timeline

| Days 1-3 | [What to expect -- typically hardest nights] |
|----------|----------------------------------------------|
| Days 4-7 | [Typical improvement pattern] |
| Days 8-14 | [Expected steady state] |
| If no improvement by Day 14 | [Specific diagnostic questions to revisit] |

---

### Notes for This Specific Child/Situation
[2-4 sentences addressing the particular circumstances the parent described -- nap transition, recent disruption, fear, shared room -- with targeted advice that would not appear in a generic routine template]
```

---

## Rules

1. **Never produce a routine before calculating sleep timing.** The correct bedtime is derived from the required wake time minus the sleep duration target. Guessing a bedtime or accepting the parent's current bedtime without validation produces a routine built on a wrong foundation.

2. **The routine must end with the child awake, not asleep.** A child who falls asleep during the routine -- on the parent's lap, during the last song, while being rocked -- has not practiced independent sleep onset. Every night wake will require the same conditions. State this explicitly: the goal is the child in their bed, drowsy but awake, as the parent exits.

3. **Screens off a minimum of 45 minutes before lights-out for children under 12, 60 minutes for teens.** This is a physiological requirement, not a preference. Blue light at 470nm wavelength suppresses melatonin production. Reducing room light alone while the TV is on does not solve this.

4. **The goodnight phrase must be identical every night.** Not similar -- identical. The linguistic consistency is a Pavlovian cue. Parents who vary the ritual ("sometimes I sing two songs, sometimes I rub her back for a bit") have eliminated the cue's conditioning power and replaced it with an invitation to negotiate.

5. **Do not recommend adding steps to solve resistance -- recommend removing leverage points.** If the child always asks for water, the solution is proactively offering water as a formal routine step, not allowing water at the door as a response. Reactive responses to stalling teach the child that stalling produces results. Anticipatory structure removes the stalling tool entirely.

6. **Never recommend sleep aids, melatonin, herbal supplements, or any substance.** Even over-the-counter melatonin is not within the scope of this skill. If a parent asks, acknowledge that melatonin is sometimes discussed in a pediatric context and direct them to their child's doctor.

7. **Warn the parent about the extinction burst before it happens, not after.** The most common reason routines fail is that parents interpret the first 3-5 nights of intensified resistance as evidence that the approach is wrong. Frame the escalation as a predictable and temporary phase: "When behavior gets worse before it gets better, that means the new boundary is registering."

8. **For teens, the routine must be co-designed, not assigned.** An adolescent whose bedtime routine is chosen for them will not comply. Present the biological rationale (circadian phase delay, sleep debt accumulation, academic performance impact of under-sleeping) and let them propose their own wind-down protocol. The parent's role is to agree on lights-out time and enforce it -- not to design the activities.

9. **Shared bedrooms require staggered starts, not simultaneous routines.** Putting two children of different ages through a simultaneous routine creates a "lowest common denominator" experience -- the older child is bored and resentful, the younger child is overstimulated by the older child's presence. Stagger by 20-30 minutes, start the younger child first, and give the older child a specific quiet activity to do during the wait.

10. **Diagnose before designing.** If the parent describes a routine that already has the right structural elements and the right timing, the problem is likely not routine design -- it is a sleep association or an incorrect bedtime window. Producing a new routine template when the real problem is that the child falls asleep nursing or that bedtime is 2 hours before the child's biological sleep onset wastes the parent's time and credibility. Name the real problem first.

11. **A routine disrupted by illness is not a failed routine.** Illness nights legitimately suspend the routine -- a sick child needs responsiveness, not behavioral consistency. The rule is: resume the exact routine the first night the child is physically well. Do not taper back in. Do not apologize for returning to it. The routine has memory; 1-2 sick nights do not erase it.

12. **Duration creep is the most common long-term routine failure mode.** Over months, routines accrete extras -- an additional book, a second song, a longer back rub. Each addition is individually harmless. Collectively they produce a 75-minute routine from an original 25-minute one. If a parent says a previously working routine has stopped working, ask how long it currently takes. The answer usually reveals the creep.

---

## Edge Cases

**Transitioning off naps (ages 3-4, occasionally up to 5)**
The nap-to-no-nap transition is one of the most behaviorally destabilizing periods in early childhood. It rarely happens overnight -- children cycle through needing the nap some days and not others for 2-4 months. During this transition: move bedtime 30-45 minutes earlier on no-nap days (the child is running a sleep deficit by afternoon). Replace the nap with a mandatory "quiet time" of 30-45 minutes in the child's room with calm activities (books, puzzles, audiobooks). Do not force sleep but enforce the room-stay. Some children will sleep during quiet time on high-need days -- allow it. If the nap occurs, cap it at 45 minutes (set a timer and wake the child if needed) to protect nighttime sleep onset.

**Child falls asleep fine but wakes repeatedly overnight**
If the routine is structurally sound and the child falls asleep independently at bedtime within 20 minutes but wakes 2-4 times overnight, the issue is almost certainly a sleep association established at another point in the night -- a parent who goes in and stays until the child returns to sleep, rocking, nursing, or bringing the child to the parental bed after the third waking. The bedtime routine needs no change. The intervention is night-waking response: brief, boring, same script every time, no additional sleep association re-establishment. "I'm here. It's still nighttime. Back to sleep." Exit within 60 seconds. The child's overnight arousals will consolidate once the reassociation strategy is consistent.

**Co-sleeping transition to independent sleep**
This is one of the most emotionally charged transitions in parenting. The routine design must include an association-fading plan, not just a sequence of activities. The bed-sharing parent cannot simply install a new 25-minute routine and then disappear from the room at 7:30 PM if the child has only ever fallen asleep with the parent present. The fade approach: Week 1, parent completes routine and stays until the child is drowsy (not asleep), then moves to a chair. Week 2, parent exits the room after the goodnight ritual, returns for 30-second check-ins at 5-minute intervals if the child is distressed. Week 3, parent exits and does not return unless the child exits the room. This is slower than a clean break but produces less protest and is more sustainable for families who are not willing to tolerate extended crying.

**Travel and time zone changes**
Portable elements of the routine are the anchor points -- the same goodnight words, the same book (bring one physical book from home or use a downloaded ebook), a small nightlight, and a white noise app on a phone. These signal sleep onset in an unfamiliar environment. For time zone shifts of 1-2 hours: adjust bedtime toward the home schedule by 15 minutes per day during travel. For shifts greater than 3 hours: operate on local time immediately, use light exposure in the morning to anchor the wake time, and expect 3-5 nights of disrupted sleep. Resume the exact home routine the first night back -- do not "ease back in."

**Daylight saving time (the spring forward / fall back problem)**
Spring forward (clocks move 1 hour ahead): the child's body is now 1 hour behind schedule. Move bedtime 15 minutes earlier each day for 4 nights until the new target time is reached. Wake the child at the new wake time even if they resist -- sleeping in to compensate pushes the sleep-onset time later and perpetuates the problem. Fall back (clocks move 1 hour back): the child wakes 1 hour "too early." Move bedtime 15 minutes later each day for 4 nights. Do not engage the early morning waking with stimulating activity -- keep the wake-up boring until the desired time.

**Multiple children with different bedtimes in a shared room**
The oldest child goes last. Youngest child is fully in bed and (ideally) asleep or close to it before the older child's routine begins. For two children who share a room and cannot be staggered easily: complete both routines in order of youngest first, with the older child as a quiet participant (they can listen to the younger child's story from their own bed). Give the older child an age-appropriate quiet activity with a clip-on book light (reading independently, audiobook with one earbud) after the younger child's lights out. This takes 1-2 weeks for the older child to adjust to the constraint -- hold the line on the quiet-activity expectation.

**The child who was never taught to fall asleep independently (older child, age 5-10)**
An older child who has always had a parent lie with them until sleep is not a behavioral problem -- they simply never learned a skill. The approach here is explicit skill-building, not behavioral extinction. Name it as a skill: "You are going to learn how to fall asleep on your own, like a lot of kids your age do. It might feel weird at first because it's new." Introduce a graduated self-soothing toolkit: deep breathing (4-count inhale, hold 2, 6-count exhale), body scan relaxation (progressive muscle relaxation narrated by the parent or via a child-focused meditation app), and a mental imagery practice (the child visualizes a favorite place in detail). Practice these techniques during the daytime, not just at bedtime -- competence built in low-stakes moments transfers to high-stakes ones.

**The child with heightened bedtime anxiety (fear of the dark, monsters, separation)**
Fear at bedtime is developmentally normal from age 2 through approximately age 7-8 and represents the maturing prefrontal cortex generating abstract threats it cannot yet fully regulate. Do not dismiss it ("There are no monsters, go to sleep") -- this teaches the child their fear is invalid, not that they are safe. Effective strategies: daytime dragon-slaying (read books about brave characters, talk about the dark during the day, not at bedtime); the "brave light" (a nightlight chosen by the child that is "theirs"); a transitional object designated as a protector; monster spray (water in a spray bottle with a hand-drawn label, used as a pre-bedtime room sweep -- this externalizes and gives the child agency over the fear); a brief room-check together as a formal step in the routine before lights out. None of these strategies should be deployed after the routine has ended and the parent has exited -- conducting monster checks in response to calls from the room rewards the fear-report behavior and guarantees nightly escalation.

---

## Example

**Input:** "My 4-year-old son has never really had a consistent routine. Bedtime is chaos -- it usually starts around 7:30 but we're not done until 9 or 9:30. He asks for water, says he's scared, needs another hug, another story. My husband and I take turns going back in and it never ends. He wakes up at 7 AM for preschool. We're both exhausted. He still naps at school but not at home."

---

**Output:**

## Bedtime Routine: Leo, Age 4

---

### Sleep Architecture Summary
| Parameter | Target |
|-----------|--------|
| Required wake time | 7:00 AM |
| Lights-out target | 7:45 PM |
| Target sleep duration | 11 hours |
| Nap status | Transitioning -- naps at school (partial days), not at home |
| Nap cutoff (school days) | Confirm school nap ends by 2:30 PM; if it extends later, flag for preschool teacher |
| Wind-down start | 6:45 PM |
| Routine start | 7:00 PM |
| Estimated routine duration | 22 minutes |

**Sleep pressure note:** At age 4, Leo is in the nap transition zone. On school days with a nap, sleep pressure at 7:00 PM is lower, which is why bedtime feels hard -- his body may not be ready for sleep until 8:00-8:30 PM on those days. On non-nap days, sleep pressure will be much higher and he should fall asleep within 10-15 minutes of lights-out. The current 9:00-9:30 PM bedtime is not laziness or willfulness -- it is the result of starting the routine too early, having no consistent structure, and a stalling loop that his parents have inadvertently reinforced by re-entering the room.

---

### Phase 1: Wind-Down (6:45 PM -- 7:00 PM, 15 minutes)

**Environment changes to make:**
- Lights: All overhead lights off by 6:45 PM. Use one lamp in the living room. Turn on Leo's nightlight in his room now so it does not become a negotiation point at 7:45 PM.
- Screens: Off no later than 6:30 PM. Do not negotiate on this -- a show that ends at 6:45 PM is still too close.
- Sound: Lower household ambient noise. If the TV stays on for the adults after Leo is in bed, use headphones or keep the volume low enough that he cannot hear it.
- Temperature: Set the bedroom thermostat to 67-68°F, or open the window if the outside temperature is below 70°F.

**Wind-down activities:**
| Time | Activity | Why This Works |
|------|----------|----------------|
| 6:45 PM | Turn off screens, dim lights, announce "quiet time" | Removes stimulating input; begins the neurological signal that sleep is approaching |
| 6:47 PM | Leo chooses one calm activity: Duplo, drawing, or puzzle at the coffee table | Low-motor, low-stimulation activity allows nervous system deceleration; choice gives Leo a sense of agency that reduces oppositional behavior at routine start |
| 6:58 PM | 2-minute warning: "Two more minutes, then we start our bedtime steps" | Predictable transition cue prevents the abrupt stop-and-go that produces resistance at routine entry |

---

### Phase 2: Routine Sequence (7:00 PM -- 7:22 PM, 22 minutes)

| Step | Activity | Duration | Key Notes |
|------|----------|----------|-----------|
| 1 | Pajamas (Leo chooses between 2 options you pre-select) | 3 min | Giving a binary choice ("dinosaur PJs or rocket PJs?") preserves Leo's autonomy while keeping you in control of the sequence. This dramatically reduces "I don't WANT to" resistance at this step. |
| 2 | Brush teeth (parent-led, 2 minutes) | 2 min | Use a 2-minute sand timer or a Bluetooth toothbrush with a built-in timer. Same timer every night -- the timer ends the step, not a negotiation. Brush for him at age 4; supervision alone is not sufficient for plaque removal. |
| 3 | Bathroom (last trip, explicitly stated) | 2 min | "This is your last bathroom trip tonight." Say this every single night. It closes the door on "I have to go potty" as a later stalling tactic. |
| 4 | Water (offered proactively by you, not requested by him) | 1 min | Pour a small cup of water. Hand it to him. "Here's your water for tonight." This removes "I need water" as a post-lights-out stalling tool permanently. He gets it as a routine step. |
| 5 | Two books (Leo chooses from 3 you pre-select) | 10 min | Pre-selecting 3 options limits the "which book" negotiation to 30 seconds. Two books is the limit -- state this at the start of step 5: "You pick two from these three." Read with him in bed, not on the floor or in another room. Reading in bed associates the bed with calm, safe, connected experience. |
| 6 | One conversation moment: "What was one good thing today?" | 2 min | This is the connection moment. Brief, open-ended, parent listens more than speaks. This step is the primary emotional deposit of the night and makes the subsequent separation easier. Keep it to 2 minutes -- if Leo tries to extend it, gently close: "That's a great thing. We'll talk more tomorrow. Time for sleep." |
| 7 | Room check together (fear-proofing step) | 1 min | Walk to the door and closet together. "Let's check the room. Closet -- all clear. Door -- all clear. Mr. Bear is at his post." This is done INSIDE the routine, before the goodnight ritual. It is never done in response to a call from the room after you've exited. |

**Non-negotiables in this sequence:**
- Steps happen in this order every night. Not sometimes in this order -- every night.
- Two books means two books. Not two and a half. Not "one short one and then one long one." Two books.
- The proactive water offering (Step 4) must replace reactive water-fetching. If Leo asks for water at the door after the routine, the answer is: "You had your water at bedtime."

---

### Phase 3: Goodnight Ritual (7:22 PM -- 7:26 PM, approximately 4 minutes)

**Exact closing sequence -- use these words every night:**
> "Okay, it's time. Big hug. Kiss. I love you to the moon and back. Mr. Bear is right here. I'll see you in the morning. Night-night."

Turn on white noise (set to 60-65 dB, similar to a running shower -- this also masks household sounds that can re-alert a child who is on the edge of sleep). Exit. Close the door to his preferred position.

**Environmental final check:**
- [ ] White noise: On, 60-65 dB
- [ ] Nightlight: On (already set up at 6:45 PM wind-down)
- [ ] Door: Cracked (or his preference -- establish one preference and keep it consistent)
- [ ] Transitional object: Mr. Bear in bed with Leo
- [ ] Water: Already offered in Step 4
- [ ] Bathroom: Already completed in Step 3

---

### Resistance Management Scripts

| Stalling Behavior | First Occurrence Response | Second+ Occurrence Response |
|-------------------|--------------------------|------------------------------|
| "I need water!" | "You had your water at bedtime. Your body is fine. Night-night." (Close door.) | Silent walk-back to bed. Tuck in. Leave. |
| "I'm scared!" | "I hear you. We already checked the room together -- it's all clear. Mr. Bear is your guard tonight. I love you. Night-night." (Close door.) | "The room is safe. Mr. Bear is there. Night-night." (Close door.) |
| "One more story!" | "We read our two books. Book time is done. I love you. Night-night." (Do not pick up a book. Do not explain further.) | Walk back to bed silently. Tuck in. Leave. |
| "I have to go potty!" | First time: honor it, 60-second bathroom trip, silent return to bed, abbreviated goodnight. Second time: "You went at bedtime. Your body is okay. Night-night." | Walk back. Tuck in. Leave. No bathroom trip. |
| Exits room ("I need a hug!") | Walk him back. Tuck in. "I love you. It's bedtime. Night-night." | Walk him back silently. Tuck in. Leave. No words after the second exit. |
| "I'm not tired!" | "Your body needs rest even when your brain feels awake. Lie quietly. You don't have to sleep -- just rest." (Leave.) | [No response needed if he stays in bed and rests quietly -- this is acceptable.] |

**Walk-back protocol for room exits:**
1. First exit: Brief warm acknowledgment + return to bed + abbreviated goodnight ("I love you. Night-night.")
2. Second exit: 5 words maximum ("It's bedtime. Night-night.") + silent walk-back + tuck in
3. Third and beyond: Silent walk-back. No words. No eye contact. Tuck in. Leave. This is not punishing Leo -- it is boring him. The social interaction is the reward he is seeking. Remove the reward.

**Important:** Leo should not be able to tell which parent will respond to an exit. Both parents must use identical scripts, identical walk-back protocols, identical voices. If one parent is softer and one is firmer, Leo will learn to call for the softer one and the loop will continue.

---

### Troubleshooting Guide

| Problem | Diagnosis | Specific Solution |
|---------|-----------|-------------------|
| Routine still taking 60+ minutes after 2 weeks of consistency | Either bedtime is biologically too early on nap days, or the routine steps are expanding through negotiation | On school-nap days, push lights-out to 8:15 PM. Audit each step -- have any steps extended? Pull them back to original durations. |
| Leo wakes at 5:30-6:00 AM after falling asleep faster | Routine is working; wake time may be his natural rhythm at 11 hours from 7:00 PM lights-out | This is likely correct sleep. If it is genuinely too early, push lights-out 15 minutes later every 3 nights until he wakes at 7:00 AM. |
| Night waking (1-3 AM) with difficulty returning to sleep | If he was always falling asleep with a parent present previously, night waking may be a residual sleep association -- he does not have the skill to resettle independently yet | Brief, boring response: "It's still nighttime. You're okay. Back to sleep." Exit within 45 seconds. Same script every time. This resolves in 5-10 nights if consistent. |
| Mr. Bear falls out of bed and Leo wakes screaming | Positional -- not a routine failure, but preventable | Put Mr. Bear against the wall or in the corner of the bed, not on top. Add a second identical transitional object to keep at the head of the bed ("home base bear") so there is always one in position. |
| Resistance intensifies on nights 3-5 compared to nights 1-2 | This is the extinction burst -- exactly as expected | Stay the course. The escalation is evidence the new boundary is working, not evidence it is failing. Nights 6-8 will show a marked reduction if consistency is maintained. |
| Leo gets out of bed 8+ times in one night | Single-night intensity peak, often occurs at the transition to a new routine | Do not problem-solve during the night. Walk back every single time without change. Review the morning after: was something different (missed nap at school, later wind-down, exciting evening event)? |

---

### Adjustment Timeline

| Days 1-3 | These will likely be harder than the current situation. Leo's existing strategy (escalate until a parent re-enters and stays) is not working the same way, and he will intensify. Expect 6-12 room exits per night, some crying at the door. This is normal and temporary. |
|----------|------|
| Days 4-7 | Room exits decrease to 2-4 per night. Leo may still protest but the duration of protest shortens. Falling-asleep time moves from 75-90 minutes after routine start to approximately 25-35 minutes. |
| Days 8-14 | If consistency has held, Leo should be falling asleep within 10-20 minutes of lights-out with 0-2 room exits. The routine should feel automatic to him. |
| If no improvement by Day 14 | Revisit three things: (1) Is the lights-out time correctly calibrated for nap vs. non-nap days? (2) Are both parents using identical scripts and protocols? (3) Is there any unaddressed sleep association -- a habit introduced during night wakings that re-establishes the original dynamic? |

---

### Notes for Leo's Specific Situation

The core problem in Leo's current bedtime is not that he is a difficult child -- it is that the bedtime has become a negotiation with no fixed end point, and Leo has learned through experience that escalating the negotiation eventually wins. This is entirely rational behavior on his part. The routine above works because it removes the negotiation structure entirely: every step has a defined end, every stalling tactic has a predictable and unrewarding response, and both parents respond identically so there is no "softer path" to seek.

The school nap is a genuine complication. On days when Leo naps at school (even 30-40 minutes), his sleep pressure at 7:45 PM is meaningfully lower than on non-nap days. If you find the routine working smoothly on weekends and non-school days but struggling on school days, this is why -- you may need a 15-20 minute later lights-out on nap days only. Keep the routine start time the same (7:00 PM) and simply allow more time in bed before sleep onset.

Give this 10 full nights before evaluating. Three nights in, when it feels like it is not working and Leo is crying at the door and you are questioning everything -- that is the exact moment to hold the line. The children who never learn to fall asleep independently are almost always the children whose parents gave up on night 4.
