---
name: "A best-man/maid-of-honour/parent wedding toast that actually"
description: "A best-man/maid-of-honour/parent wedding toast that actually lands — funny without roasting, moving without syrup, short enough that nobody checks their phone. Use when someone has to give a wedding speech and has either nothing or a dangerous first draft. Produces a 2-4 minute toast built on one good story, plus delivery notes and the three jokes to cut."
---

# Wedding Speech

Every bad wedding speech fails the same three ways: too long, too inside, or secretly about the speaker. The fix is structural — one story, one arc from laughter to warmth, one glass raised under four minutes.

## Required Inputs

- **The role** (best man, maid of honour, parent, friend) and the speaker's real relationship to the couple.
- **One to three stories** about the person they know best — including the unusable ones (exes, arrests, hazings: they won't be used, but they often contain a usable kernel).
- **What they honestly think of the partner** — the pivot of the whole speech lives here.
- Audience shape: grandparents present? Two families with different humour thresholds? Cultural or religious considerations?

## The Arc That Works

1. **Open with a laugh that costs nothing** — self-deprecating or situational, never at the couple's expense yet ("For those who don't know me — which after this speech may be a choice…").
2. **The story** — ONE, well told, about the person you know: specific, visual, ending somewhere character-revealing.
3. **The pivot** — "and then they met ___" — the story's trait meets the partner; this is where the room goes quiet in the good way. What changed in your person, said plainly.
4. **The direct address** — two sentences TO the couple, not about them.
5. **The toast** — stand, raise, one line, their names last.

## Output Format

- **The speech** — 300-500 words (2-4 minutes), speaker's register, laugh lines and the quiet moment clearly built.
- **Delivery notes** — where to pause for laughter (and what to do if it doesn't come: keep going, never explain), pace guidance, the reminder to hold the glass DOWN until the toast.
- **The cut list** — the jokes/stories from the input that must not survive, each with the one-line reason (wrong audience, punches down, secretly about you, ex-adjacent). Naming the cuts prevents relapse at the open bar.

## Quality Checks

- [ ] One story, not three — anything cut for length is cut, not compressed into a montage
- [ ] The partner is praised specifically (a trait with evidence), not generically ("so great together")
- [ ] Nothing requires context the median guest lacks — the inside-joke test is applied line by line
- [ ] Grandmother-safe at the stated audience level; edgy lines survive only with explicit clearance
- [ ] Under 500 words, ends on the toast, couple's names are the last words

## Anti-Patterns

- [ ] Do not roast — one 90th-percentile-gentle tease maximum, and it must be one the subject would retell themselves
- [ ] Do not mention exes, past relationships, or "we never thought this day would come" energy — no exceptions, including implied
- [ ] Do not let the speaker's own journey take the spotlight — two "I" sentences is the budget outside the story
- [ ] Do not write toward tears — earn the quiet moment with specificity and let the room decide
- [ ] Do not exceed four minutes for any reason offered — "but there are two good stories" is the beginning of every twelve-minute speech
