# Difficult Conversation Preparation Template

Use this worksheet to prepare before any challenging conversation.

## The Quick Prep (10 minutes)

Use this when you don't have much time but need to prepare.

```markdown
## Quick Conversation Prep

**Topic:** [What is this conversation about?]

**Date/Time Planned:** [When will you have it?]

**With:** [Who?]

---

### The Situation (Facts Only)
[What happened? Observable behavior, no judgment]

### The Impact
[How did this affect you, the team, or the work?]

### My Goal
[What specific outcome do I want?]

### Their Perspective
[How might they see this differently?]

### My Opening Line
[Write the first thing you'll say]
```

## The Full Prep (30 minutes)

Use this for high-stakes conversations or when you need to process your emotions.

```markdown
## Conversation Preparation Worksheet

### Conversation Details

**Topic:** [One sentence description]
**With:** [Name/Role]
**Planned Date/Time:** [When]
**Location:** [Where]
**Time Allocated:** [How long]

---

## Part 1: Understanding the Situation

### What Happened (Facts)

Describe only what a video camera would have recorded:
-
-
-

### The Story I'm Telling Myself

What assumptions or interpretations have I added?
-
-
-

### My Emotional State

What am I feeling about this? (Check all that apply)
- [ ] Angry
- [ ] Hurt
- [ ] Frustrated
- [ ] Anxious
- [ ] Disappointed
- [ ] Confused
- [ ] Concerned
- [ ] Other: _______

Intensity (1-10): ____

Am I calm enough to have this conversation productively?
- [ ] Yes - proceed
- [ ] No - wait until: _______

### The Impact

**On me:**

**On the team:**

**On the work/project:**

**On our relationship:**

---

## Part 2: Considering Their Perspective

### How They Might See It

If I asked them to describe this situation, they might say:

### Their Possible Constraints

What pressures, limitations, or challenges might they be facing?
-
-
-

### Their Positive Intent

Even if the impact was negative, what might their positive intention have been?

### What They Care About

What do they value that I should acknowledge?

---

## Part 3: My Contribution

### What I Did (or Didn't Do)

Be honest - even if it's small:
-
-

### What I Could Have Done Differently

-
-

### What I'm Willing to Own

What responsibility will I acknowledge in the conversation?

---

## Part 4: Defining My Goals

### What I Want to Accomplish

**Primary outcome:** [Most important thing]

**Secondary outcomes:**
1.
2.

### What I'm Willing to Accept

**Best case:** [Ideal outcome]

**Acceptable:** [Minimum acceptable]

**Deal breaker:** [What I won't accept]

### Relationship Goal

After this conversation, I want our relationship to be:

### Identity Goal

Who do I want to be in this conversation?
(e.g., "calm and direct," "open and curious," "firm but fair")

---

## Part 5: Planning the Conversation

### My Opening

**Purpose statement:**
"I'd like to discuss..."

**Intent statement:**
"My goal is to..."

**Invitation:**
"I'd like to hear your perspective..."

**Full Opening (write it out):**

### Key Points to Make

1. [Situation: When/where]
2. [Behavior: What happened]
3. [Impact: What resulted]

### Questions to Ask

1.
2.
3.

### Potential Solutions/Proposals

1.
2.

---

## Part 6: Anticipating Challenges

### If They Get Defensive

What they might say:

My response:

### If They Deny

What they might say:

My response:

### If They Deflect

What they might say:

My response:

### If I Get Triggered

My triggers in this situation:

My plan to stay calm:

---

## Part 7: Logistics

### Pre-Conversation Checklist

- [ ] Scheduled time that works for both
- [ ] Private location identified
- [ ] Enough time allocated (__ minutes)
- [ ] Backup plan if interrupted
- [ ] My emotional state is ready

### Post-Conversation Plan

- [ ] Will send follow-up email within 24 hours
- [ ] Check-in scheduled for: _______
- [ ] Documentation needed: [ ] Yes [ ] No
```

## Preparation Prompts by Conversation Type

### For Performance Conversations

**Additional Questions to Answer:**

1. What specific examples do I have? (At least 2-3)
2. What are the clear expectations they weren't meeting?
3. What support have I provided?
4. What documentation exists?
5. What are the consequences if this continues?
6. What resources can I offer for improvement?

### For Conflict Conversations

**Additional Questions to Answer:**

1. What is the history of this conflict?
2. Have we discussed this before? What happened?
3. Are there other people involved or affected?
4. Is there a pattern, or is this a one-time issue?
5. What do we have in common that we can build on?
6. What would resolution look like for them?

### For Upward Conversations (with Manager)

**Additional Questions to Answer:**

1. How does this align with their priorities?
2. What's in it for them to address this?
3. What political considerations exist?
4. How will they look to their stakeholders?
5. What alternatives can I propose if my first ask is rejected?
6. What's my BATNA (best alternative if this fails)?

### For Compensation Conversations

**Additional Questions to Answer:**

1. What is my market value? (Research data)
2. What are my key accomplishments since last adjustment?
3. What is the timing relative to budget cycles?
4. What am I willing to accept besides salary?
5. What is my timeline if I don't get what I want?
6. What is the company's current financial situation?

## Mental Preparation Techniques

### The 5-Minute Calm-Down

Before entering the conversation:

1. **Breathe:** 4 counts in, 4 counts hold, 4 counts out (3x)
2. **Ground:** Feel your feet on the floor, notice the room
3. **Remind:** State your positive intention ("I want to understand")
4. **Release:** Let go of needing to "win"
5. **Begin:** Walk in with curiosity, not certainty

### The Perspective Shift

If you're feeling adversarial:

1. Imagine they're a friend who did this
2. Imagine you did what they did - what would explain it?
3. Imagine someone you respect is watching
4. Ask: "What would a wise, fair person do?"

### The Stakes Reality Check

When anxiety is high:

1. What's the worst that could happen?
2. How likely is that really?
3. If it did happen, could I survive it?
4. What's most likely to happen?
5. What's the best that could happen?

## Common Preparation Mistakes

### Over-Preparing

**Signs:**

- You've written a script word-for-word
- You've anticipated 20 possible responses
- You're more anxious, not less
- You're delaying the conversation to "prepare more"

**Fix:** Prepare themes, not scripts. Know your key points and opening, then trust yourself.

### Under-Preparing

**Signs:**

- You're "winging it"
- You haven't thought about their perspective
- You don't have specific examples
- You don't know what outcome you want

**Fix:** At minimum, complete the Quick Prep template.

### Preparing to Attack

**Signs:**

- Your notes focus on what they did wrong
- You've built a legal case
- You're rehearsing "gotcha" moments
- You've decided the outcome already

**Fix:** Add: What might I be missing? What's their perspective?

### Preparing to Avoid

**Signs:**

- Your opening is full of softeners
- You're planning to hint, not state
- You've prepared escape routes
- You're hoping they'll bring it up first

**Fix:** Write a direct opening. Practice saying it out loud.
